Blatant Exposition

Things to be proud of

2010-05-30T00:33:00.002-06:00

So I had a day of pride and joy. You see I was at Wal Mart and I bought some Reeses...

Oh wait, I'm telling this all wrong. You see, I was at Wal Mart because of my dog. Or more specifically because Jarvis vomited all over the TV CORDS. I had nothing to clean it with. My dog gives good presents.

So at wal mart I decided to suppliment the high powered carpet cleaner I bought with a treat. Reese peanut butter cups. Now, to understand the rest of this story, you have to get that I love Reese's. The perfect proportion of peanut butter t chocolate. The two bites it takes to devour each cup. I even like the way the chocolate sticks to that little rectangle of paper because then, when you are done with the cup, you still have a tiny bit left for savoring.

On my way out of the store, I opened the jumbo sized bag I had indulged in, and took at an individually wrapped morsel, ripped the plastic off with my teeth.
Then I dropped the unwrapped cup. Right on the Wal Mart floor. Where teamsters and greasy teenagers have tread.

And what did I do next?

I ate that reese's cup, what do you think?
I'm not sorry, it was delicious.

My worst enemy

2010-05-09T20:32:00.003-06:00

I need to talk to you about something serious. Very very serious. This is way more major than all the relationship bs thats cropped up so far, or swims around on my other blog.

I want to tell you about my worst enemy.

The traffic light left turn red arrow.=

I ask you, what is the point of this particular traffic symbol. I get the point of the green arrow, sometimes it is hard to find a gap to make a left turn. The green arrow is like a friendly crossing guard saying, "hey you, your wait is over, please go."

The red arrow is like his asshole brother who showed up to work with a hang over. He just stops you from going, for his own sick and bitter amusement. Sure you know no one is in your way right now, but the red arrow sits there blinking its mad, evil blink.

You can try to reason with it. Promise that you won't go when someone's coming. After all, you're not an idiot. You can see approaching cars. You know they are really steel death traps approaching and death speeds. You can wait your turn.

The red arrow doesn't listen to such nonsense. Your impatience only amuses him, and in his cold and lonely life, amusements are few and far between.

Baseball

2010-04-24T21:27:00.002-06:00

I've joined a baseball team.

Now you may be wondering, why Tamara? Why do you want to be a part of a baseball team when you have clearly have no interest in athletics of any kind. You don't watch sports, you're even glad to have a job that requires walking around so that you feel like you get some exercise.

I don't know the answer.

I do know we played our first game today and there was some drama on the field. Apparently we were placed in the wrong division and suddenly a church team peopled with less than amateurs and me, which is less than that were matched against a group of people who knew what they were doing.

It was embarassing.

Or at least it was for everyone on the field. For me, it was a sunny day with a slight breeze and an hour of reading time.

Oh right, thats why I joined Baseball. :)

New Blog

2010-04-23T00:02:00.002-06:00

So...

I'm working on a new project.

I don't want you guys to think I don't love you. I do. You guys are the best. But... sometimes you need to expand.

Some of the things going on in my head right now don't really work with the format of this blog. Mainly that I am single and a little bit bitter about it. So I started a blog that would work a bit better. There is a link at the top of the blog. The Single Girls' Guide to Life. It's pretty much just about being single and a girl. If you are neither you might not be interested. But you might be. You don't know! give it a go.

Anyway, I am still going to post here, more regularly than before if I have anything to say about it. And I do.

2010-04-11T17:49:00.000-06:00

A New Revelation

2010-04-11T17:06:00.003-06:00

I've figured something out.

Jarvis doesn't need a father figure in his life after all. So he is a Momma's boy. What's the problem with that? Lots of Momma's boys grow up to be upstanding citizens. And if he doesn't, well thats ok too, he will just keep me company in my dottage.

So I am going to strike it alone for a while. Cut the drama from my life and this blog. It will probably be easier to cut it from the blog than my life, because the blog is a constructed representation of what is going on with me, so I can put on it what I darn well please.

Of course, it might be difficult to strike it out alone. So I have come up with a plan. Or more accurately, I have remembered an earlier plan that I had before.

I Need to find a robot boyfriend.

2010-03-14T21:21:00.003-06:00

It's been months since we've talked. I've even got a mildly nasty comment about my lack of talking to you all. It's ok, I'm not mad. I've hurt you. I ignored you for months. It's my fault.

I don't know what is going to happen to this blog. I don't spend much of my time feeling witty and charming these days. So I haven't written.

I first came up with this blog to entertain and to be silly. I wanted to be lighthearted, cynical and fun. But I think I might have to be serious sometimes. I am having serious thoughts. Life is complicated for me. Life is far more complicated for others. And we are all struggling with it. Shouldn't we be able to talk about that with our friends.

Want to be my friend?

Right now, I'm in love. He is a great guy. He can cook like no buddy's business, the cook of his arm has this spot where my head fits perfectly. He is well read, and clever. Everything I want.

Which is actually terrifying.

I am paralysingly afraid of losing him. Freaking out about it all the time. He is too. It's a problem. We hurt each other about it.

Love is supposed to be beautiful. Songs are written about it. Paintings painted.

So why do we hurt each other for the reason that we don't want to hurt each other?

I don't know. But I don't want to end on that note. There has to be hope in this situation. It's the only thing that we have to deal with these things. He told me that, when I was all out of hope. He is someone to keep around

I would just like to say

2009-11-28T19:04:00.002-07:00

The Penultimate... I hope

2009-11-28T00:30:00.001-07:00

Today is the 27th of November. I am sitting on a couch with a very small and furry kitteh sleepy soundly in my lap. When she is not sleeping soundly she is often slightly pointy. Yes, Man has a kitteh. I'm not generally a cat sorta girl, but this one has grown on me a bit. What can I say. Man is typing up a storm. He has been Nanoing for 27 days. He will probably finish in about 10 minutes.

You might ask, if you know me well, why am I not Nanoing. Tamara, you'd say, your a competitive girl and you only have 3000 words left to go. Finish tonight. You'd have a point. But Man is a very good typer and I am just a deligent one. Plus, I've already written 3000 words today. So I planned a plan. I'm going to finish tommorrow. In less than 24 hours. It will be grand. Yes, I won't finish before Man. but I sorta figured that when he had a 6000 word day while I was still in a turkey coma. So alas. not tonight
But tomorrow. I finish this.
or else I DINE IN HELL!

THIS IS NANO!!!!

Halfway point

2009-11-16T23:52:00.002-07:00

I haven't posted much since Nano started, I threw up the widget to the right and called it good. But, I feel something momentous has occured and I should post about it. (Also Man is down in word count and I've reached quota so I need something to do while he Nanos ((yes it is a verb now)).
I reached the halfway point yesterday. 25,000 words in 15 days. It is a heady feeling. I've written half a novel. It is mainly exposition and extremely circular but still, I've written it. As someone who wants to write novels for a living, well, I've never actually written a novel. So, this is a big thing for me. I think, as a new writer, the excercise of Nano will be great.
Meanwhile, I'm going to give you some highlights of how I got to this point:

Sitting in a dog park, squinting at the poorly reflected screen while other people play with my dog because he has been looking at me with sad eyes since the experiment began,

Finding that Jack Daniels and coffee ARE a good combination. (Man says that it goes with anything)

Drinking the coffee that Man ran through the machine twice and LIKING it.

Hating Village Inn for not having outlets for Nanoing success

There have been others, but most of them actually only involved me in front of a computer with vclicking sounds coming from my fingertips. Because apparently, thats how novels are written. With lots of hours logged.

Thats all for now folks. enjoy your nights filled with sleep and not typing.

Day two

2009-11-02T22:08:00.000-07:00

Word count: 3867

Nanowrimo Day one

2009-11-01T21:17:00.003-07:00

Trying Nanowrimo for the first time this year.

For those of you who don't know, Nanowrimo is short for National Writing Month. Yes that means I am going to try and write 50 000 words and one story begining middle and end. It's a big challenge, and in alot of ways, one without a reward. If I manage to do it, I don't win anything for it and I've lost quite a lot of sleep for it.

On the other hand, I've been having a lot of trouble finishing anything lately. So maybe this will help.

I don't know how much I'll be updating this over the course of the month, but as of now.

Day one: 2369 words

a minor post

2009-10-27T20:02:00.002-06:00

For those of you who don't know, dogs are awesome. These are some of the things they do.

When you are depressed, they lay in bed with you and give you sympathitic eyes.

When you don't take them for walks because you are depressed, they get bored and eat everything cool your roomates own.

After you are done being depressed, they take advantage of your new found happiness by making you play ball.
FOR HOURS

A Mothers Love

2009-10-26T13:25:00.005-06:00

Remember Hokka! ?

Of course you do, it's just the blog below this one.

Well, I have very bad news. It hasn't sold. I've done the best I can. I had it on display while I was still allowed displays. And then whenever I took those down. Hokka remained face out, even when there are prettier and more popular books I could give that honor too. (A face out, for those not in the know, is where one book on a shelf is turned front cover, rather than spine, forward. It is a great way to make a sparse shelf look tidy.) Whenever I can, I talk Hokka! up. I show it to likely looking sci fi fans. Point out the adorable bears in period clothes in the back. Open up to one of the inner pictures, which are so adorable they cannot be discribed here.

So I'll just show you a picture. Awwww. Teddy bears.

Anyway, I find myself acting maternal to this book. Like any mother, I want him to do well. I want all the other books to like him. And I show him off at any opportunity. The one time I found him on the floor, I might have actually made gentle cooing noises when I put it back on the shelf. I can neither confirm nor deny this.

And like all mothers, yes I want him to leave the nest and have a happy home, but I'm also kinda glad everytime a potential customer puts him back on the shelf. He is safe there. With Mother.

A New Hope

2009-09-10T22:56:00.003-06:00

Hmmm.

Here I thought my netbook was going to equal more frequent posts. And it did there for a while. I was on a roll. You were there. You member.

I do actually have a reason this time and if you ask me, it's a pretty good one. The reason ( not an excuse) is that life has been good. I have a man who loves me, and I love ( I know sappy) I have a dog that loves me and hates my man. Life is good. And while this blog has never been about the angst and human drama of my life most of my posts do require a certain amount of cynism. Sarcasm you may say. Something I've been lacking a bit in day to day life. And I don't really want to bore you with the sap.

BUUUUT. Another thing that has gone right with my life is my work. I managed to get my bosses to give me the novels room.

It's beautiful. I spend all day getting jiggy with the alphabet and shelving is like one big shopping trip. I get the first crack at all the Vonneget and and Tanith Lee. Sigh...

I also find gems like this.

This book came in the other day, and I put it straight on display. It could very possibly be the greatest book ever. I don't even know where to start. The teddy bear man? In vaguely period costume and primative weaponry. The fact that the Teddy bear man is riding a DRAGON-HORSE. How is this book not famous. How is it not on every book shelf. I mean, I understand how this book doesn't outsell the bible. But it should be at least as possible as Mein Kampf. THERE IS A BEAR ON A DRAGON-HORSE.

My Life is Still so Hard

2009-07-11T14:48:00.003-06:00

I'll admit life seems to have become more stable for me. I can walk up the stairs on my own, and I haven't seen the gray box place in a very long time. One would think life would be pretty good. And it was. Until he came.

He comes over. A lot. And then he takes the lady. For HOURS.

Sometimes he stays over. They sit on the couch and watch the glowing box that makes noises. I like sitting on the couch so I jump up with them. But my lady likes to sit really close to him, and if I try and get that close too, they kick me off the couch. Sometimes they even throw me outside. I don't even have to go poop or pee, but there I am, outside.

Sure this guy tries to bribe me with baseballs and things, which is nice. But this is just becoming too much. doesn't he know that she is my lady?

baman piderman

2009-07-02T23:56:00.001-06:00

Technophile

2009-06-30T20:09:00.003-06:00

You may be shocked that a new post is going up so soon. Don't be. It's only natural when one joins the world of current technology.

By that I mean...

I GOT A NETBOOK!!!!

If you happen to be a friend of mine that I see on a day to day basis then you have heard all about my little bundle of joy. Too bad. I'm telling about it anyway. If you aren't then aren't you excited?

look at this sexy little guy. It can access the Internet anyway anywhere. The full keyboard and mouse officially put the spank on i-pods and i-phones and silly little handheld devices. It is cute, and cheap and almost as functional as a notebook. The perfect thing for the writer on the go who also happens to enjoy wasting time on the Internet.

But the best part is, I feel like a giant when I use one. I just walk around the house holding it in my hands and shouting, "I am so large. Look how tiny this computer is in comparison to me!" And then I usually howl or growl or something. I feel very powerful.

Many moons

2009-06-27T09:00:00.002-06:00

So... I'm a little embarrassed. We had such a good thing going. I had nearly 2000 hits, cumulatively from at least four people. I was mostly witty. You were mildly charmed. Then I messed it all up. I got worried and nervous. Some people my snidely say that I had a fear of commitment.

In short. I know it has been months. I am sorry.

Meanwhile I have been thinking quite hard about one thing: toothpaste.

I have had a lot of experience with this toothpaste thing because apparently, Jarvis thinks it is the best food around.

When buying toothpaste, I find it is absolutely necessary to buy a different toothpaste everytime my dog eats my old one. You may be thinking this is merely my fear of commitment rearing its indecisive head. You wold be wrong. For some reason a new toothpaste always works better than one you have been using for a while. I find this is always the case. the first time you un screw that cap and lather up, it's like going to the dentist.

The great thing is, you don't even need to buy millions of different kinds, as long as you alternate, too would work just fine.

Many Leather Bound Books

2009-03-18T23:15:00.000-06:00

So yes it has been awhile and frankly, I have no excuse. So instead of excuses I'll give you some updates and then maybe we'll go out for coffee.

The job hopping continues. I'm no longer working for Allstate. There wasn't ever a problem with Allstate; I recommend them as an employer to anyone any time in fact. But, I got an opportunity to take a job where I get less pay, no benefits and have to stand on my feet 8 hours at a time. Have I mentioned how famous I am for sound financial decisions?

Actually though, it's a job at a used bookstore. If you are from town, you know the one and it is fantastic. All of the drawbacks of this job are made up for and then some by the simple fact I get to touch books all day. It's like a fetish come true for me.

I even have my own rooms that I am in charged of shelving incoming books and keeping nice and tidy. For the most part, they are not incredibly interesting topics in my room. I'm not a huge fan of non-fiction, and all my rooms are is history books and the hard sciences. But there are a few notable exceptions that keep me entertained while I work: Sex, the history of, Ghost section, and all new age wackiness. The other day, I found a book by The Christ. It wasn't signed though, I checked.

I also have the parenting section. Oddly enough, it is next to the sex section. After shelving the parenting section for the last few weeks, I've noticed something. We don't give teenagers enough credit. Every single book about how to cope with raising a teenager treats the subject much like a dog training book. You have to show authority in order for them to respect you. They will rebel with ridiculous fashion statements, don't worry this is just a phase and with proper training they can be house broken.

Now granted, it has been more than a couple years now since I was a teenager, but I am still closer to 19 than I am to 30, so I think I remember a little bit of the time period.

Yes I was young. Yes I did stupid things. Maybe I was over emotion. But I was also a person by then. I was forming my own thoughts. I was influenced by everything around me, yes my friends, but also books I read and even the politics of the time. And I wasn't even exceptional in this. The tv we watch and the books trying to help us related continue to talk down to these teens. It is no wonder they don't respect anyone. They are going through a fantastic time, when they can finally decide things for themselves because they finally understand things for themselves. And us, stupid adults that we are, insist on thinking of them as a particularly difficult form of child.

Shave and a haircut

2009-02-17T21:31:00.002-07:00

Today I went to get my hair cut. I don't like spending a lot of money on things I could technically do myself with a pair of scissors and a mirror, so I don't typically go to what you would call high end establishments.

You hear a lot of girls say they don't want to end up looking stupid, so they are willing to pay for the expertise. This is a good point, and well taken, but I think they have failed to consider that the money they spend on hair could very easily go toward comic books. Yes. I see you understand my point.

That said, everytime I walk into a supercuts or a style america I get the same feeling. I look around at all the generic styling products lining the wall, take in the two men getting the exact same half inch shave and wonder: have I stumbled into a barber shop? Do they even know how to cut a woman's hair here?

Then I get nervous and start looking around, trying to find any other female client in the building. If I don't see one, and this happens often, I contemplated striking a line through my name on the sign in sheet and booking it. But by that time, one of the stylists ( I use this term only because I can't think of a better one, they aren't, after all, barbers) has made eye contact and it is my turn.

At this point my palms are sweating. I have to explain the hair cut I want, dreading that blank expression that inevitably follows.

"You want layers? But you still want to wear a pony tail? This does not compute." I always expect them to over heat and explode at that point, and I would then be free to leave, but instead they pull out very sharp looking scissors and dig in.

This time was much more pleasant however. The woman who cut my hair knew exactly what I was talking about, she even told me the fancy hair dresser term for what I wanted done to my bangs: "angling."

So I am pretty satisfied. And all for under 15 bucks.

Man Hunt

2009-02-04T11:01:00.002-07:00

Since I now have a child, albeit a fuzzy one, I am one step closer to my goal of having a set of characters to blog about like my hero Steve. (If you want to see a great example of character based blogging you should see the latest blog on the Sneeze, where Raisins and Lux go at it once again.

And Jarvis, I can tell already is going to provide great entertainment for us here at Blatant Exposition. For instance, the little evil genius has already learned what the sound of my alarm means. It means it is time to get excited, jump all over the place, and whenever possible, punch me in the face.

You did hear that right, my dog is a puncher, with his fists.

But the addition of a child in my life does highlight a deficiency as well. Jarvis needs a father. I don’t want him to be raised in a single parent household. He can’t grow up chasing all the girl dogs around but never marrying any of them. For one thing, he is neutered, those would be some unsatisfied girl dogs. So clearly, I need to set a good example for him.

To that end, I recently went on a blind date. My first in fact. We went on a hike. Hiking may have been an unwise choice since I am not what you would call… graceful. But there is this Sanatorium up in the mountains and I do have a bit of an abandoned building obsession so I was in, all in.

Unfortunately my date was not all in. He was cute, and relatively nice and really liked hiking, but had no desire to help me break into a dirty, dark, and disease ridded building that used to be filled with Tuberculous patiences.

I don’t have a lot of rules for the men I date. Well. Ok I do have a lot of rules for the men I date and one of them is this: if I am doing something stupid, either stop me or join me. Do not just watch me enter into a hole in the wall and creep around sneakily. It is just no fun.

So the search for Jarvis’s father continues. I’ll keep you updated…

Probably not actually.

My Life is so Hard

2009-01-14T22:22:00.003-07:00

Here I am stuck in a small grey box all the time. People come, they wiggle their fingers at me, they leave. Then some lady takes me to some place bigger with infinitely more interesting smells. Admittedly, this part is nice, I have more room, and I get to see the lady alot. But she does carry me up stairs every night. And she leaves me outside all the time.

She makes me poop and pee outside too; controlling much?

Then, after one of these eternal days outside she comes home. I'm pretty excited. Inside time is awesome time. There are lots of tiny scraps of things to put in my mouth and I can jump on people whenever I want. But then, she puts me in the box that moves and takes me back to the grey box place!!!!

Why bring me somewhere neat if you are going to just send me back. Especially if you are going to let the ladies there stab me in the neck with some microchip thingy.

I even heard something about an operation. I don't know what that is, but my lady keeps using the words "nip him in the bud."

I don't like it. Not one little bit.

(Some props are due to my youngest sister, who admittedly did the whole blogging in the voice of my animal thing first)

New Years Resolution

2009-01-06T22:52:00.002-07:00

I also wanted to give you a rant (hopefully a brief one) about new years resolutions.

It's 2009. This means we are one year closer to being able to say twenty ten instead of the ridiculous two-thousand and nine, that we will all age another year, that the days are going to get longer again, and that people all over the world are making resolutions.

I say don't.

At the beginning of the year, we all get ambitious about the wonderful things we are going to change about ourselves, but all we are really doing is setting stupid high expectations that we aren't going to keep up with past a month. Not to mention that the things we want to change about ourselves are the things we hate about ourselves.

Hating ourselves is never fun, and it seems to me that highlighting these things at the start of the new year is just a good way to start the year with alot of self loathing.

Setting arbitrary goals for yourself is not the way to self confidence folks.

What is? you may be asking, if you are the sort that asks random blogger girls those types of questions.

I say, fake it till you make it. If your not happy, smile anyway, just see if your day doesn't get better. Don't think you are beautiful? Look yourself right in the mirror and tell yourself you are anyway. You might think your lying, but do this enough time, I bet you'll be able to find the ways in which you are telling the truth. Can't lose those holiday pounds, squeeze into a size 2 anyway and see... OK, that last one is not a good idea. DON'T put too much junk in your trunk ladies. It is not a good look.

Anyway. That wasn't real brief, and I know it was a tad serious for this blog, but eh.

Love yourselves folks! Like the commercial says, you're worth it.

Puppy please? Update

2009-01-06T22:39:00.002-07:00

So, all of those problems still apply to the puppy situation. And the Black lab in question is no longer available for getting.

But do you really think that stopped me? I am a woman of will for God's sake!

You got it. I went to the shelter and adopted a baby shepherd mix. He is adorable but that goes without saying because he is a puppy. But just think about this, the dog has markings around his eyes like a monocle. That means two things, 1: ADORABLE! 2: He is most likely an evil genius that will plot either my or my roomates murder.

Course, after I adopted him, he came down with a case of Kennel Cough and I am not allowed to take him home until he is treated for it, possibly not for 10 WHOLE days.

Impatience is I.

Puppy please?

2008-12-29T23:00:00.005-07:00

So a friend at work mentioned that a friend of hers found a black lab puppy wondering around, and would anyone like to have it?

Now I want to you understand something. I live in a house where the animals outnumber the people (and thats not including the mice that have taken up residence under our stove). We are four busy people who barely have time to feed ourselves, let alone a puppy. We do have a yard, but it is sidled up real tight to our neighbors, who has dogs of his own.

But all I can think of is this:

I think I'll name him Jack. Unless it is a girl, then I shall name her Button... or Guess. I haven't really decided.

2008-12-21T23:15:00.001-07:00

2008-12-15T22:07:00.002-07:00

There is this new taste. It's all the rage in my household. First you abuse a little known country into reducing its diversity into one crop. Then after harvesting the crop, to make it easier, lets call it a bean, you cook or roast the bean. You can roast it a lot or a little, both can be fantastic. Then you grind it up into little bitty bits. Your following me so far right? It sounds alot like some sort of seasoning right? Your getting warm, but you couldn't roast my bean yet.

Now comes the tricky part. Rinse the tiny bits with steaming hot water. Get them really clean. the bits should expand slightly, this means your doing it right. Now. Throw away the bits.

Drink the dirty water. Delicious.

Seriously, who invented coffee?

New Job!!

2008-12-08T22:07:00.002-07:00

So I haven't wanted to jinx it by blogging about it before hand, but I have a new job. I'm no longer Directv's bitch. Now I am Allstate's bitch. On the downside, this means when Neil Gaiman's Directv breaks, I won't be there to answer the call. On the upside, I get perks like my own cubicle and more money, as well as a more 9-5ish schedule so it's probably a good thing.

Today was my first day. They spoiled us a bit with bagels, pizza, and cake. There are many ways to my heart. One of these ways is to feed me. With food. So Allstate is on my good list. At least for now, we're going to have to see what soul numbing thing I'll need to do when work starts before I know how much I like this job.

I'll keep you posted. Probably.

Like Pinocchio

2008-12-01T01:07:00.004-07:00

I love Christmas.

This may not come as a shock to you, since most of my fanbase has either lived with me at some point in my life or are living with me now, but I love Christmas enough that I feel the need to reiterate. I love Christmas.

Since I am living apart from a parental unit in a formal way now, I'm not bound by rules like, wait until a reasonable time to buy a Christmas tree. So, I'd like to show you something:

This is Franklin, my Christmas tree. Franklin grew up on a lovely tree farm. Him and many other Fraser Fir trees like him were grown with special love and care so that they could be viciously chopped down and spread Christmas cheer to all. Two days after Thanksgiving, my roommates and I took Franklin home and made him all pretty. Picture courtesy of Ms. Angelina, who is handy even with my "special" camera and can get edgey shots like this without even trying.

My picture looked like this:

If you want to see an excellent family portrait taken from in front of Franklin, I recommend heading over to her blog, Visions of Mania, link to your right.

Now, hold onto your seats, because it is about to get controversial.

Carols are an important part of every Christmas season. And I feel one, a children's favorite, has been done a real injustice for years now. You know the one I mean, Rudolf the Red Nosed Raindeer. You may be asking, Tamara, what could possibly be wrong with a song that inspired not one, but several movies of decreasing quality?

The answer is nothing. Or it would be nothing if snot nosed kids didn't ruin everything. Lets examine the first line, skipping of course the introduction of Dasher and Prancer and so on.

"Rudolf the red nosed raindeer, had a very shiny nose, and if you ever saw it, you would even say it glowed."

A perfectly good line. I mean sure, one wonders why a red nose is so very shiny, but the movie clears that up pretty well. No, the problem is that after that, everyone wants to sing "Like a lightbulb!" only they don't sing it. They screech it. Then they smile like they are soooo clever. I know. I've done it too. These little additions to the song. Like Monopoly, Like George Washington (Our first president? thats really who Rudolf reminds you of?) They appeal to the snot nosed kid in all of us. But frankly, they are dumb. Rudolf doesn't need them. He is classic.

His song should be classic too, minus the screeching please.

2008-11-15T00:56:00.000-07:00

OMG OMG OMG OMG

2008-11-04T23:05:00.002-07:00

Two awesome things happened today.

The first involves a certain man on a certain stage with his wife and children thanking America for choosing him in an elegant and eloquent fashion. You know the one I mean.

The other involves Neil Gaiman's blog. He revealed today that he got an email from Directv. That means he has Directv. That means, if his satellite goes out, he'll have to call. And I'll be there. Answering his questions. Wasting all my credit limit on him. Asking him to marry me. I'm so excited.

Something Serious

2008-11-02T22:08:00.002-07:00

Generally speaking, I like to keep things light here. I don't want to talk about politics or religion, or even my very exciting (read: not) love life. It's not what I am here for. But sometimes even I like to get serious.

I go out to eat a lot. Sometimes I treat. Sometimes a friend of mine will. We don't go anywhere fancy, and the bill only comes to about $30 a go. For about thirty dollars, I can feed a group of friends. It's not a bad way to spend 30 bucks.

But sometimes I think about things like the Heifer project. For that same 30 bucks, you can buy a bunch of chickens and those chickens can feed an entire family for years, even a lifetime. It's a pretty good value.

http://www.heifer.org/

If you have some extra cash on hand, think about going here. You can go in on a goat for only 10 dollars, every little bit helps.

I know times are tough right now, and it isn't the best time to be asking you to give. But if you can, give it a try.

2008-10-29T00:08:00.001-06:00

Go Here http://pictures.streakr.com/sidewalk.htm

It will make you happy.

(Thank you stumbleupon)

well... ahh... Bears!

2008-10-22T00:00:00.003-06:00

Hmmm...

I feel it is time for an update. Something wise or funny. But well, I've got nothing. I am a black hole of pooling nothing.

I believe this lack of inspiration is the result of extended nothingness in my life. I go to work, I go home I go to bed. Then in the morning I repeat. Some where in the cycle, I am pretty sure I eat tacos or something. It sounds likely any where.

I know I am not alone. There are thousands of us. Nay, millions. Simple folk with simple jobs that just won't quit. With the economy in straights like it is I have to wonder... Why? Aren't I supposed to be losing my job now? I mean, I work like 45 hours a week. I thought I was supposed to be scrambling over the last Wonka bar in the store in a last ditch effort to make something of my life. Instead I'm eating three squares a day and bored out of my mind. I barely have time to slack of and waste precious time I could be writing in by playing kingdom hearts.

So all I'm saying is... unemployment would totally improve my social life you know?

(in no way does this mean I want to lose my job and should any current or future employer of Tamara B read this please disregard its contents immediately)

Here is a picture of a baby polar bear:

Celebration!

2008-10-13T13:06:00.002-06:00

Woot! I hit 1000 views! Thanks to all my constant readers, you are truely wonderful to keep reading my dithering. Thanks to any strangers that pop by as well, I hope I brightened your day!

As an update, My days at Sitel might be numbered. I'm exploring some options, we'll see and I'll let you know. I make no promises though, because apparently I break all my promises on this blog. Anyway,

Cheers!

Review: Something Excellent

2008-10-05T14:51:00.003-06:00

There are many things I can say about this book, but only one of them is important, so I will say it first.

Read This Book!

Wheew, now thats out of the way, I can gush properly. It is admittedly, a young adult book, but this is in the tradition of Roald Dahl. This book doesn't talk down to you, it doesn't paint you a happy picture so you will go to bed at night. It paints a world and a character with such extravagance you may as well of been there. Screw young adult reading, pick it up and enjoy.

The Graveyard book follows the life of Bod Owens (Short for Nobody) a little boy raised by a graveyard. The graveyard manages to be both creepy and endearing. Bod compelling. When Bod comes into his own, its perfect.

The villian is the man Jack. He creeps around the pages of the book even in the 100 or so pages he goes without even being mentioned. This is a talent only true villians have. Something only a great writer can pull off.

Which reminds me... if you ever read this Neil,

Will you marry me?

Hello Thank you for calling Directv...

2008-09-29T23:54:00.004-06:00

You say:
Yeah I heard Tobey Macquire is a huge dou...

*boop*

At this point it is key to stop whatever you are saying on a dime. This is a skill. You can use the mute button in between calls to make sure the customer doesn't hear what you were saying. I find this the lazy approach. You must hone your skills of sentence stopping. It is an art.

You say
thank you for calling Directv. My name is Tamara.

You don't have to be paying attention to what you are doing yet. You should have this part down pat. Think robotic automation at this point. Everyone loves talking to robots. Trust me.

You say:
How are you doing today?

This part is crucial. You have to sell it. Like hard. Because the crazy is about to begin my friend.

They want to know where their game is. The answer is simple. The broadcast is cancelled. You know this. You don't know why. You don't know when. Don't worry, you don't need to know these things. Just say:

Directv has no say in which games are broadcast on which networks, we can only get to you what the networks and team owners allow us to.

Good job. You have effectively deflected all responsibility from yourself or the company that pays your bills. Pat yourself on the back. But wait... your customer has more to say.

Apparently, the money in America will be gone by the end of the weekend. He sure hopes your packing, because its going to become a dangerous place very quickly. Did you go grocery shopping recently? He hopes you have, because grocery stores aren't going to be running much longer. He wants you to tell your friends. Let everyone know. Don't worry. He will pray for you.

You say:
Sir, after talking about your game getting cancelled and also the inevitable destruction of the American economy and how it may descend very soon into a "The Road" by Cormac McCarthy like scenario, have I answered all your Directv questions today. Yes? well you have a good one, and thank you for calling Directv.

Click.

You better go tell your friends. Maybe write a blog about it.

Torn

2008-09-23T22:19:00.003-06:00

Cute with Chris made a shocking announcement in this weeks episode. He said that rats are disgusting.

It's not a new statement. Crazy rat ladies like myself have been the subject of scorn on the interwebs since we decided to take to that system of tubes with our love. But et tu Chrisa? I'm torn. On the one hand, I must rise to the defense of my darlings. On the other, Chris, I am loyal fan.

I don't know what to do.

When in doubt. blame it on the WIZARDS

2008-09-21T13:58:00.002-06:00

Today I was struck with the fact that indian food looks so similar going in as it does going out, not a unique observation I know. But I pose you this question dear readers: How then does it taste so yummy?

I'd like to submit to you my theory. Indian chefs are merely poorly trained wizards. They learned their summon food spells alright. But they never managed the finesse required to create appitizing looking food. They just got the taste down and called it done. Then the went out back to charm some snakes if you know what I mean. (I mean charm snakes, don't be dirty).

The only thing that is left out of my explaination is what are the wizards using to make the food so consistantly look like waste. This is not a question I want to answer. I will just close my eyes and eat.

(On the other hand, their bread is not bad looking at all)

Ninja cat

2008-09-15T17:57:00.000-06:00

Robot Love

2008-09-08T02:24:00.006-06:00

I think I want to marry a robot. I've weighed the options pretty carefully here, and I think this is the best idea I've had all month. For one thing, robots are shiny. This is a plus. They also speak in awesome robot voices, and from what I hear, are excellent cooks. I can program him to be good with the children. The best part is, if a nuclear attack strikes, I can just open up his chest and hide inside till it all blows over. Anyone who has seen the new Indiana Jones movies knows that this will work.

But until I can find my mechanical counterpart, I've been entertaining myself with awesome paintings I found on the web. I will post them here and credit them as best I can... because they are awesome.

First up is a classic by Eric Joyner. Fans of the Sneeze will recognize this painter as a man who knows how to combine a love of Robots with a love of donuts...

Next we have a image from Ray Frenden. I want to give this guy a hug. I suspect even metal men love hugs, and especially sad metal children...

Even though this robot by Bill Zeman is not a cuddly looking sort, he appears to appreciate an attractive woman, so I think it is promising.

Here is my final image for you guys. Roberto campus brings it home by bringing two classics together. It was inevitable.

I hope he makes it out ok. and that he is free Saturday night.

Of course, if I can't manage to find me a suitable robot to marry, I might settle for a robot painting as beautiful as one of these to hang up on my wall. These guys are great, thanks for unknowingly contributing to my blog via the wonder of the internets!

2008-08-24T11:40:00.003-06:00

Sometimes you read a book and it just sticks with you. Years later, a scene from it will pop, vividly in your mind. If your like me, a reader, this happens often.

It doesn't have to happen with a good book though...

This is one such book. When the Changewinds Blow

I read it when I was young, maybe 14 or so. If you are thinking, from the cover, that it looks like an absurd book, you would be entirely right. Nonetheless, a few nights ago I found myself wondering: why did those girls have to change into copies of each? Why did one of them then become an otherworldy protestute who invented the bra on that world? Remember when the other one became a fat lesbian?

To be honest, these aren't questions that I want in my head. But there they are.

I be back

2008-08-14T22:28:00.006-06:00

I promise you a story of policeman, I don't deliver. I promise a virtual tour, I'm too lazy to take a picture of the outside of my house, so I don't do it at all... in other words, I find that I am a liar

Well, its a dark thing to know about myself, but I am coming to terms with it. I hope you are too.

Meanwhile the good news is....

RATS!!!!!

There are my babies. Heather is the cream colored one who is sleeping. Hazel is black and grooming.

Here is Hazel again. Chillaxing.

Here is Heather, modeling for a artistically blurry shot. She is very vogue this year.

Needless to say, I am thrilled to finally have my girls. I get to be all maternal, but I don't have to lactate or anything strange like that.

Working for Directv

2008-07-28T00:31:00.005-06:00

Yeah Yeah it's been a while.

I've been away from the internet for a bit. But I'm back now, so we're reunited all jolly like. Several things have happened while I was gone. For instance, they took Dr. Horrible down from free viewing and since Joss has incredibly loyal fans, you can't see them through youtube. So thats sad.

On the plus side, I just bought my first digital camera of ever. So I will be treating you guys to pictures of anything weird I happen to see in the world. It tends to be a weird world, so I'm thinking there should be plenty. Tommorrow, I plan on treating you all to a virtual tour of my house since it is still pretty new and maybe you guys are interested in that kinda thing. Meanwhile, here is a picture of the cage my rats will be housed in when I get them this saturday.

I'm thinking of adding an aquarium to the bottom, but I have to think of the logistics of that before I do.

***

I am working at a call center for Directv. For the most part, it's an okay job. I work steady hours for reasonable pay, I get to sit down all day, and I am basically paid to talk. I like talking. It's pretty much my favorite thing.

There are better jobs out there, sure, but one thing keeps me going through the tough calls. One day somebody famous is going to call me. Edward Norton or Patrick Steward, or God if only Neil Gaiman is going to want to add HBO and I will be the one to do it for them. Oh man do I hope Neil Gaiman has Directv.

Sad Face

2008-07-20T00:45:00.000-06:00

Act III of Dr. Horrible went up early this morning. I'll admit, I teared up at the end.

Feel like singing?

2008-07-17T21:59:00.004-06:00

The internet is a fantastic place. It is full of free entertainment and creative freedom. It can stand as a pillar of new thought and selfless contributions to society.

It's also a place for porn.

But that is really aside from the point. Alot of you are probably Joss Whedon fans. There are alot of us out there. During the writer's strike, Joss and a bunch of his friends got together to do something about it. They were creators, actors and writers and candlestick makers in an industry that had become so money driven that creativity was on the picket line. They did something about it. And they used the internet.

They made

It's an event about creating without looking at dollar signs first. It also has Doogie Howser singing about his freeze ray.

If you have ever wanted to root for the bad guy at the same time that you are rooting for a non-capitalist society, here is the place to do it. It's a story in three acts. The first two acts are already up. I'm waiting with baited breath for the third.

Visit http://www.drhorrible.com/ now. You won't regret it!

yay 500!

2008-07-09T00:34:00.003-06:00

I got my 500th hit today. Since this blog is an experiment in stroking my ego while hopefully entertaining you, this calls for a WOOT!

So no one I don't know reads my blog. So Angie has twice as many hits. So I don't know how to do fancy html stuff. I count this as a victory... FOR SCIENCE!

err, for quasi-witty banter on the Internet anyway.

Meanwhile, I think I am going to promote another website in celebration.

Do you like Doctors?
Do you like Ninjas?
How about cowboys?
Cowboys riding dinosaurs?
Dracula in space?

If you answered yes to one or more of these questions, then boy do I have a webcomic for you!

http://drmcninja.com/index.html

So yes, I know. I always give you guys these links way into the webcomic. Often some 500 issues in. There is a good side to this. If you start now, you have many many issues to read before you have to start waiting for the slow agonizing trickle of new comics. Really, I am doing you a favor by being behind the times.

(I wanted to post on awesome picture of Dr. McNinja high fiving a chicken in this post, unfortunately blogspot is have some technical difficulties, just go to the site, you'll find it and it will be worth it)

On another note...

2008-07-05T11:47:00.002-06:00

I have successfully reserved my ratties. I got the cream and one of the blacks! (The brown was taken mysterious commenter number 1) There offical names are Caplan and Hopefully Mine, which has a specific relevance to me. Just one more thing to make me love my breeder. Thanks Janine! Anyway, I'm thinking of calling the blue biege one (offical term) Heather and the Black Self one (another offical term) Hazel.

YAY!
(I'll post pictures when I have em)

2008-07-05T11:44:00.003-06:00

There is a reason this man is my hero:

Maddy and I are off to Brazil in a few minutes. Well, we're off to New York where we change planes. But basically, we're off to Brazil together. She has the disarming smile. I have the unlikely facial hair. We're like Green Arrow and Speedy, only without the boxing glove arrows, the costumes, the similarity of gender and... okay, not really a good analogy, but what the hell, we're hitting the road. Or we will if the car turns up.

I love you Neil Gaiman. Visit him at http://journal.neilgaiman.com/ you wont regret it.

EDIT: I just realized that neil failed to mention the Speedy who is a girl. Oh Neil, your so old fashioned. Did you know she has AIDS?

Rat update

2008-06-27T15:45:00.004-06:00

I still don't know if I will get the girls or not. (Did I mention that I wanted girl rats?) I should know pretty soon, once they open their eyes. Anyway, here is a picture of just the girls, a little older, a little wiser.

They just get cuter and cuter!

I'm hoping for one of the blacks and the cream colored one. But lets be honest here. They are all freaking sweet hearts!

Here's hoping

2008-06-24T21:18:00.002-06:00

Hey guys,

So it's been awhile, mostly since moving into the new house has left me devoid of internet up until now. But I'm back and better than ever. Or at least just as good. I can promise I haven't returned deficient.

So the newest thing that is happening is these little guys.
This is the newest litter of rats from http://http://www.matrixratsrattery.com/
Two of them will possibly perhaps be mine maybe. I sound less than sure because I have been shuffled from litter to litter a couple times here. The waiting lists at Matrix Rats are long, because the pets are very high quality. Janine, the breeder, socializes these little guys from day one. She even takes months of each year to study and play with her rats, just to makes sure they are loved. I chose this rattery because I know my babies will be healthy and happy from the day I get them. Apparently everyone else in colorado and new mexico also chose them, so I have to wait my turn.

You all might not know these about me. Well actually you probably do since most of you actually know me personally, but... I am a crazy rat lady. I think they are just about the best pets a girl could ever get. They never bite. are trainable and cuddly, soft, and just plain adorable.

I'm personally hoping for the ones on each end. I'm crossing my fingers that four times is the charm. Otherwise, I think my nesting impulses are going to go into full swing and I am just going to have a baby.

Wrapped up like a douche?

2008-06-08T08:51:00.002-06:00

I think a majority of my life is spent moving. The boxes, the trucks, the dragging things up stairs, the bruised legs and paint smeared faces. I'm doing it again. I'm moving out of my mother's house again. It's hard work, but I'd like my own room again. If you want full details of the moving out session, wander over to Angie's blog, she is covering it in depth. Of course, then she will get another number on her counter and be even further ahead of me as far as internet sensationing goes, but alas, that is her destiny perhaps maybe.

Any way, the other night, after working hard on the new house, we gathered downstairs (where it was cooler we don't have ac yet) and lay on the newly shampooed carpet for a while. We talked about nothing with only a novelty flashlight for well, light. Then with no provokation or warning, we all jumped up and danced to "Blinded by the Light" (might not be actual title) which of course was only playing because we were all also singing it badly. I don't know how this happened. I don't know why. What I do know is that it was one of those moments, the moments that reassure you that everything is going to be ok.

6+7

2008-05-26T16:38:00.004-06:00

So, I'm trying to get this "real world" thing figured out. First step get a job. I applied to a call center in town and surprise of surprise I got the job. neat. Mind numbing labour here I come. But there was one thing I had to do first. I had to take a drug test. Because obviously you can't be doped up on elephant powder or crystal juice and answer a phone.

In theory it wasn't a problem. I don't do drugs, hadn't even drank anything since graduation. Just pee in a cup. I mean, I'm not a guy, so I can't aim or anything but drug addicts do it all the time, so I, an educated and healthy young woman could surely pee in a cup. I was all ready too. I went to the place (the pee cup place) early in the morning, I didn't even take my ritual just woke up bathroom break, so I had to go pretty badly. But apparently, I have a shy bladder. I'm talking really shy. I was in that room for nearly an hour, listening to every word the doctor said to anyone on the phone or at the front desk. Actually, for all I knew he was talking to himself, but he was talking a lot is all I know, and my bladder didn't like it even one bit.

Then I remembered reading this http://www.thesneeze.com/mt-archives/000626.php a while ago. My good old buddy Steve from the Sneeze had my back. His bladder is shy in not very Private bathrooms. I don't envy men this particular problem, but his solution was helpful for mine. Arithmetic. I started a pattern of addition in my head. 2+3=5 3+4=7 4+5=9 I think I got to 9+10=19 before the flood gates opened.

Thank you Steve. You saved my job.

And Now What?

2008-05-20T00:05:00.002-06:00

So I am pretty much graduated. By pretty much I mean totally. Such an accomplishment makes me want to give you, my dear readers, some words of wisdom. So here:

Packing sucks. Don't ever do it if you want
Also so does looking for jobs
Now I can Blog more. So thats good.
My mom doesn't buy milk as often as I'd like, so I already can't wait to live on my own again.

Actually, I don't think any of that was advice. So well, oh well. Anyway, graduation was very nice. Our speaker was some sort of author type. His goal was to know nothing. That's a pretty good goal. I don't know how it compares with mine, (too be an internet sensation). On the one hand, his has philosopical and zen like resonance and mine is entirely self serving. On the other hand, his is a goal of negation, where as mine is a goal of positive movement. Both goals seem to have no lasting effects. But, still.

Other than that, there were plenty of the sorts of things you expect at graduations there: the silly hats, the boring list of names, the one guy who throws something ridiculous while on stage. So now I get to go into the real world. I submitted my first application, grabbed a couple others and realized I'd rather sit at home a bit. Can't though, I've got loans now. The banks gift to me upon my graduation.

Update

2008-05-19T21:15:00.001-06:00

Something new I noticed about cats:

They like to walk around your bed a couple times while you are sleeping and jump all over you. Then when you are awake they like to make scratching noises on the carpet. FOR HOURS.

Thought you would like to know. I'ma go take a nap.

I'm under your bed, stealin your zzz's

2008-05-15T17:49:00.003-06:00

I'm a dog person. I like an animal the will stick it's face in your face and slobber all over it. I don't like to have to wonder if a pet wants me to pet it. It's a pet, they are for petting. With a dog, the answer is always yes, pet me, please.

With cats on the other hand, everything is in question. Like, why are you in my wardrobe? or if I touch you will you bite me. Or, like right now with the cat my sister has brought: where the frack are you? I don't like a pet that will vanish unexpectedly. It's just not the way I roll.

Apparently, my sister (read: one fourth of my readership) doesn't agree. She brought her new cat to stay for a while. His name is Vincent. He likes my dresser drawers and hiding under my bed. Here is a picture of not him:

Yeah. Looks cute right. Oh I'm a cat, every one loves me. I'm fluffy. Blah blah. I'm so tired of cats.

Updaterific

2008-05-07T02:26:00.002-06:00

I've been in an odd state lately, not really in the mood to blog about silly things. But I did want to show off the cover to my manuscript

It's pretty amazing... Thanks to Ms. Angie. (check out her blog, it be in the link list).

The manuscript is full of ghosts, stars, eye ball removal and four years of hard work. But none of that is as visually appealing as the lovely cover up there...

Mine is a lonely artform.

Meanwhile, I will return soon with a cheerful update about the strange things cops do.

The Dangerous Lives of Graduating Seniors

2008-04-24T00:08:00.002-06:00

I'm graduating... and soon. Like three weeks I think. I'm going to have a degree in "get a day job".

Graduating college, for those of you who haven't done it, is dangerous. Senor year is probably your hardest yet, and its the one with the least motivation driving it. I mean, I'm graduating, what are they going to do, withhold my damn diploma.

Yes, thats exactly what they can do.

I'm looking at two research papers, a final manuscript of all my work, two more drafts of one story, one more draft of another. Really, par for the course at the end of the year. But this year, I don't wanna. I just want to get my diploma and get a crap job.

Geez. What to they expect? Me to actually work hard?

I Finally Review Something Good

2008-04-18T01:27:00.005-06:00

So, it's been awhile since I posted anything. I figured with my one reader, it wouldn't actually be a very big deal. It turns out I was wrong! My little sister started bugging me to update. On the one hand, this is a good thing. I mean, I just doubled my readership right there! One the other, I'm already disappointing them. Sad.

Anyway, here is what I've been spending my online time doing (well this and watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer)...

It's called Order of the Stick and it is amazing. So the characters are rudely animated. So what if they run away a lot, and so what if the rogue's stray hair looks a bit like a scar. This comic has meta-gaming at it's finest. Well, not exactly meta-gaming, more like jokes about meta-gaming. Still, if Shakespeare was a nerdy web comic writer, I think jokes about skill checks and character sheet checking whilst playing would be his new guy-playing-a-girl-disguised-as-guy plot line.

This may be an exaggeration. I'm not sure. But I am stoked about this comic. I read all 549 issues in three days. I'd read more, but I ran out.

Some of you, if you are nerdy like me (and judging by Picard's victory over there, I'm guessing) have probably already heard about this comic. If you aren't a gamer, you might not get some of the jokes. But just trust me when I say, stat references, monster manual mentions, and failed spot checks are HILARIOUS. If you are a gamer, or you know one, then hope on over to http://www.giantitp.com/Comics.htmland laugh your ass off.

Hell if you aren't, do it anyway. It might convince you to join a world of make believe that I find sexy and cool. Bring on the Cheetos covered fingers boys, and the ink blotted character sheets. I'll bring the shiny d20's. (Guess what guys, she's single).

Also, if you really love me, you will buy me the "I killed a PC and all I got was this T-Shirt" T-Shirt from CafePress. I know you really love me. I feel it in my bones.

The Laugh

2008-04-03T02:39:00.002-06:00

I have a roommate. I may have mentioned her.

Before we lived together, me and this person were friends. We weren't close or anything. Didn't share a toothbrush. She seemed normal, but I liked her, she bought me a plastic ninja sword for my 21st birthday. A plastic ninja sword says a lot about a person.

Then we moved in together. It's possible she is the wierdest person I have ever met. She likes "booty shaking" music and Dance Dance Revolution. But I think the most endearing thing about her is THE laugh. It's not her regular laugh. It is a loud ceaseless cackle that not only sounds ominus and insane, but it takes you with it. When she laughs this way, I laugh too. I can't stop. I literally roll on the floor.

It's dangerous. I'm sure she could kill me with that laugh. I am helpless to it.

The moral of the story: you never know someone until you live with them... and they start plotting to kill you.

(As a side note, I absolutely love my roommate. Wouldn't trade her for the world)

Lets talk politics for a moment

2008-03-10T00:58:00.004-06:00

This is not a political blog. There are to many of those out there already. Granted I don't know what kind of blog this is, but it's not a political blog.

That said, I'm obsessed about the Obama v Hilary contest.

Alright. They have similar platforms. She talks business, he wants change blah blah blah. thats not what I want to talk about here. Look at the hopefuls. What to you see. This is what I see.

Lets compare.
Star Trek creators wanted to have a woman captain. They created Janeway: a boring, often ignorate character who is best know for getting her ship HOPELESSLY lost.
Benjamin Sisko on the other hand was the first and only black star trek captain. His space station successfully facilated known enemies living together successfully for SEASONS. He was a fair captain who happened to head my favorite version of Star Trek.
I guess you all know who I'm voting for.

Review of Bad TV part two

2008-03-10T00:37:00.003-06:00

Dear readers,
you may have noticed a little poll on your left. Since there are only two votes tabulated and one of them was my vote, I can only assume that by "Dear Readers" I mean Angelina.

This one is for you.

Picture this: you just got home. It's been a long day. You turn on the boob tube. Nothings on. TRAGEDY. Wait Wait, G4 has your back. Ninja Warrior is on. Ninja Warrior is always on.

There are so many things that are amazing about this show. First there is of course the ridiculous obstacles these people put themselves through. My favorite is the wall hang. In what I think is the third stage, overly muscular asian men inch along a metallic wall using only their fingertips. If that isn't quality I don't know what is. I don't know anyone who can watch this show without cheering when someone gets past this obstacle.

But the best part of this show is the commentary. The announcer clickes away in what I can only assume is a made up language (ok ok its not made up, I was trying to be inflammatory) and across the bottom of the screen scroll the most serious commentary I have ever heard for a man gripping a rolling log. He says things like "He grips the log with heroic strength" and "He will bring honor on his house by defeating this obstacle." The only problem with the commentary is sometimes I read faster than I should, so I know whether the contestant makes it across before he does. Takes away the suspense.

Woman's Ninja Warrior is another beast all together. I've only seen one woman make it all the way through and she has done it several times. She has terrible teeth, a sparkly outfit and more skill in walking across life size dominoes than I knew existed. The first stage of obstacles in the woman's course is kinda lame. By that I mean it looks like I could maybe cross it perhaps. By penultimate stage though, I think they have the men beat for toughness. Life size dominoes PEOPLE!

Basically this show is so much fun I hesitate to call it bad TV. Then I remember there is a reoccuring contestant called octopus man and I realise, I just have really bad taste.

It's a Rocket ship

2008-02-24T02:48:00.003-07:00

Forget the pulitzer my dear. I wanna win the hugo award

Youth Publishing

2008-02-21T15:09:00.004-07:00

Have you ever Googled yourself? Don't be shy. We've all done it.

My problem is what turns up when I do. Poetry I got published when I was in High School. Really terrible stuff. There is one where I actually complain about how I don't have a boyfriend. In a POEM. A poem NOT on myspace.

What were these publishers thinking? Sure it sounds like a good idea to encourage youth. Give them a taste of publication and they will go after it like dogs. It encourages literacy in the youngins too. Lets do it!

Except now I will be plauged with those publications for the rest of my life. They don't go away. Google remembers. Google always remembers.

"Oh I think I'll do a report on vastly famous Tamara. I liked her in my text book. Lets see what comes up on google. Oh look. It's a poem about boyfriends... how... mature."

Thanks for encouraging me while I was crap guys. Thanks alot.

My Best Friend

2008-02-17T15:11:00.003-07:00

I really think this blog should be made in all fairness. A few posts ago I told you about how my roommate is odd. I gave you an example. I'm not sorry.

But I am fair. This week I have been sick. Here's a transcript of me and my tissue

Me: Oh tissue. You are my best friend.(Blows nose)

Tissue: Silence.

Me: I'm so sorry tissue! your all scrunchy and gross because me.

Tissue: More silence

Me: Oh, youre still my friend tissue. I love you.

Running in my Head

2008-02-14T02:11:00.003-07:00

here's a song that I frist encounter watching Juno

Tree Hugger by Antsy Pants

Animated By lovely youtube user Hanllyproductions!

Listen to it once, it'll be stuck in your head I promise

This is also a bit of an experiment with embedding things so, yay technology!
(a special thanks to HanllyPro, who has never met me, and will probably never read this blog!)

2008-02-12T23:16:00.001-07:00

I must confess. I have delved into the deep damp pools of envy and come out alittle smelly and covered in this weird green goo. I swear there was no goo when I dived in there. And yet here I am...

I might need to translate. I envy Steve from http://thesneeze.com. He writes pretty much the best blog ever. I am a member of the Tree Brains. I faithfully check every day. I've read the entire archive. I have even slipped his link in my friends list over there on the left because I want so much to know this man. Nay, be this man. If my blog could only compare, then I would have the adoration of millions! Then, God knows what I would do with that power. Instead, I can only emulate and hope.

I have one problem. I don't have kids. Or a wife. Or more legally in this state, a husband. I've noticed with careful study that he often blogs about these people. For a long time I didn't know what to do about this lack in my life. I considered grabbing the next dude I see on the street and marrying him. Then proceeding to have lots of unprotected sex in hopes that my kids will be charming enough to write about. But then I realized those kids won't be able to talk for two years earliest, and to be frank, I want to be an internet sensation NOW.

Then I looked around my apartment and I found the closest thing I have. My Roomate. I think this is going to be great. I can't wait to blog about the weird things she does.

Here's is a teaser:
When sick, she addresses her chicken soup as baby. "Don't worry baby, you'll be in my tummy soon" Then she coos.

I love her. She is the best!

A Formal Apology

2008-02-03T23:44:00.001-07:00

Dear Porkchops.

I was alittle hasty last week. I threw some words around that were admittedly harsh, namely the h-word. I'm sorry Porkchops. That was rude of me.

We've had some good times Chops, we have. Remember when Mother used to make you and the next morning I'd eat the leftovers with my fingers. The grease would get all over my face as I nibbled straight to the bone. It was wonderful.

But you have to realize you're at fault too. It hurt me last week when you came out of the oven tough and bland. Do you realize how hard I worked. I seasoned you, baked you in wine. Wine is meant to tenderize you Porkchops. WHY weren't you tender?! My dinner party was RUINED!

I don't know if I can get over this hurt. I don't think we can go on like this. But maybe if we take some time apart, we can learn to be friends again.

Sincerely,
Tamara

Reviews of Bad TV, part one

2008-01-31T10:54:00.001-07:00

You do it. I do it. It's universal. We all watch bad TV.

America's Next Top Model is one such show. VH1 plays it in a constant loop. I don't actually think they have any other shows. By now girls everywhere have Tyra's "I have blank number of beautiful girls in front of me" speach memorized. I know I do.

Why? Why does this show consume my sundays when I could be doing some many other productive things (practicing hula hoop, learning to belch my ABC's or for godsakes even thinking). Instead I sit slack jawed and watch pretty girls cry about professionally done hair cuts.

Hi my name is Tamara (Ta Mare A) and I am a bad TV addict

So here's whats good about this show: You get to see pretty girls cry. You get to guess which cycle it is by looking at Tyra's weave. Sometimes the judges make out with each other. And yes, sometimes the photoshoots are just plain spiffy!

That's good TV. I will no longer be ashamed of watching the objectifaction of woman, the plus sized models being forced to have "personality" to convince the world that they're beautiful. Instead, I'll practice my runway walk and beauty shot smile in the mirror. I will cry when I don't get my way. I will wish that I was 5'9" so I could audition. I will eat salad instead of porkchops (actually I kinda hate porkchops so that's not a sacrifice). And if someone steals my granola bars... there will be HELL to pay.

Thank you Bad TV. You have made my life richer!

An Experiment in Introduction

2008-01-27T18:48:00.001-07:00

Blogs are pretty neat. I spend a lot of time on other peoples blogs. Therefore I have started one in hopes of becoming an Internet sensation.

Hi, My name is Tamara. When you pronounce my name, think of a female horse, (Ta Mare A). Then, not only have you pronounced my name correctly, but you have permanently associated me with a noble and only slightly embarrassing looking animal. OK wait, a human horse would probably be very awkward looking and would lose any noble attributes it once had. Alas. Now there will be NO epic statues of me made. Thanks Name.

I'm a college student who pays way to much money to go to a very small and very liberal school earning a degree (creative writing) that will likely make me no money to pay my student loans. I make wise financial decisions.

My dream job is to be the person who writes the summaries on the back of novels. Then I am paid to read. I like reading. I also like writing until it becomes work, which is about after the first 250 words. 250 words is about the length of a good book synopsis. You see- perfect job. If you know anyone who has this job, let me know, I must pick their brains. (not like a zombie).

I don't know exactly what this blog will be, but I am hoping for funny and possibly insightful. Let's find out together!