Hello Thank you for calling Directv...  

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You say:
Yeah I heard Tobey Macquire is a huge dou...

*boop*

At this point it is key to stop whatever you are saying on a dime. This is a skill. You can use the mute button in between calls to make sure the customer doesn't hear what you were saying. I find this the lazy approach. You must hone your skills of sentence stopping. It is an art.

You say
thank you for calling Directv. My name is Tamara.

You don't have to be paying attention to what you are doing yet. You should have this part down pat. Think robotic automation at this point. Everyone loves talking to robots. Trust me.

You say:
How are you doing today?

This part is crucial. You have to sell it. Like hard. Because the crazy is about to begin my friend.

They want to know where their game is. The answer is simple. The broadcast is cancelled. You know this. You don't know why. You don't know when. Don't worry, you don't need to know these things. Just say:

Directv has no say in which games are broadcast on which networks, we can only get to you what the networks and team owners allow us to.

Good job. You have effectively deflected all responsibility from yourself or the company that pays your bills. Pat yourself on the back. But wait... your customer has more to say.

Apparently, the money in America will be gone by the end of the weekend. He sure hopes your packing, because its going to become a dangerous place very quickly. Did you go grocery shopping recently? He hopes you have, because grocery stores aren't going to be running much longer. He wants you to tell your friends. Let everyone know. Don't worry. He will pray for you.

You say:
Sir, after talking about your game getting cancelled and also the inevitable destruction of the American economy and how it may descend very soon into a "The Road" by Cormac McCarthy like scenario, have I answered all your Directv questions today. Yes? well you have a good one, and thank you for calling Directv.

Click.

You better go tell your friends. Maybe write a blog about it.

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This entry was posted on Monday, September 29, 2008 at 11:54 PM and is filed under . You can follow any responses to this entry through the comments feed .

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