Hello Thank you for calling Directv...  

Posted in

You say:
Yeah I heard Tobey Macquire is a huge dou...


At this point it is key to stop whatever you are saying on a dime. This is a skill. You can use the mute button in between calls to make sure the customer doesn't hear what you were saying. I find this the lazy approach. You must hone your skills of sentence stopping. It is an art.

You say
thank you for calling Directv. My name is Tamara.

You don't have to be paying attention to what you are doing yet. You should have this part down pat. Think robotic automation at this point. Everyone loves talking to robots. Trust me.

You say:
How are you doing today?

This part is crucial. You have to sell it. Like hard. Because the crazy is about to begin my friend.

They want to know where their game is. The answer is simple. The broadcast is cancelled. You know this. You don't know why. You don't know when. Don't worry, you don't need to know these things. Just say:

Directv has no say in which games are broadcast on which networks, we can only get to you what the networks and team owners allow us to.

Good job. You have effectively deflected all responsibility from yourself or the company that pays your bills. Pat yourself on the back. But wait... your customer has more to say.

Apparently, the money in America will be gone by the end of the weekend. He sure hopes your packing, because its going to become a dangerous place very quickly. Did you go grocery shopping recently? He hopes you have, because grocery stores aren't going to be running much longer. He wants you to tell your friends. Let everyone know. Don't worry. He will pray for you.

You say:
Sir, after talking about your game getting cancelled and also the inevitable destruction of the American economy and how it may descend very soon into a "The Road" by Cormac McCarthy like scenario, have I answered all your Directv questions today. Yes? well you have a good one, and thank you for calling Directv.


You better go tell your friends. Maybe write a blog about it.

Stumble Upon Toolbar


Posted in

Cute with Chris made a shocking announcement in this weeks episode. He said that rats are disgusting.

It's not a new statement. Crazy rat ladies like myself have been the subject of scorn on the interwebs since we decided to take to that system of tubes with our love. But et tu Chrisa? I'm torn. On the one hand, I must rise to the defense of my darlings. On the other, Chris, I am loyal fan.

I don't know what to do.

Stumble Upon Toolbar

When in doubt. blame it on the WIZARDS  


Today I was struck with the fact that indian food looks so similar going in as it does going out, not a unique observation I know. But I pose you this question dear readers: How then does it taste so yummy?
I'd like to submit to you my theory. Indian chefs are merely poorly trained wizards. They learned their summon food spells alright. But they never managed the finesse required to create appitizing looking food. They just got the taste down and called it done. Then the went out back to charm some snakes if you know what I mean. (I mean charm snakes, don't be dirty).
The only thing that is left out of my explaination is what are the wizards using to make the food so consistantly look like waste. This is not a question I want to answer. I will just close my eyes and eat.
(On the other hand, their bread is not bad looking at all)

Stumble Upon Toolbar

Ninja cat  


Stumble Upon Toolbar

Robot Love  

Posted in

I think I want to marry a robot. I've weighed the options pretty carefully here, and I think this is the best idea I've had all month. For one thing, robots are shiny. This is a plus. They also speak in awesome robot voices, and from what I hear, are excellent cooks. I can program him to be good with the children. The best part is, if a nuclear attack strikes, I can just open up his chest and hide inside till it all blows over. Anyone who has seen the new Indiana Jones movies knows that this will work.

But until I can find my mechanical counterpart, I've been entertaining myself with awesome paintings I found on the web. I will post them here and credit them as best I can... because they are awesome.

First up is a classic by Eric Joyner. Fans of the Sneeze will recognize this painter as a man who knows how to combine a love of Robots with a love of donuts...

Next we have a image from Ray Frenden. I want to give this guy a hug. I suspect even metal men love hugs, and especially sad metal children...

Even though this robot by Bill Zeman is not a cuddly looking sort, he appears to appreciate an attractive woman, so I think it is promising.

Here is my final image for you guys. Roberto campus brings it home by bringing two classics together. It was inevitable.

I hope he makes it out ok. and that he is free Saturday night.

Of course, if I can't manage to find me a suitable robot to marry, I might settle for a robot painting as beautiful as one of these to hang up on my wall. These guys are great, thanks for unknowingly contributing to my blog via the wonder of the internets!

Stumble Upon Toolbar